yeah today’s my birthday. not one to make a big deal of birthdays. as long as i:

a) don’t have to go to work

b) can eat some fried foods (OR mexican food)/cake

c) go swimming

and all of that is about to happen.

My favorite song about birthdays, “Birthday” by Shanghai band PAIRS

“I spent my birthday with a bunch of cunts!!”

PAIRS – Birthday

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But this still won’t be as good as my 21st birthday, when my friends and I got way crunk and (pause) got into a ketchup and mustard fight at a burger restaurant. I got mustard all over my madghetto argyle NY cap (class). Luckily, the bro at LIDS also sold me on some “FITTED CAP CLEANER,” which lifted the mustard right out. I left the hat out on my back porch to air out, cause you know, FITTED CAP CLEANER be toxic.

Well I tell you what, I came back not one hour later and that hat was gone. I knew that someone out there had taken a dirty shortcut to upgrade their swagger. I hoped the mustard stain was still there.

Oh and it was. You see, this wasn’t the last time I met my argyle NY fitted cap (pause).

About two weeks later, I went to CVS (mid-sized pharmacy/supermarket chain) to buy a pound of red Twizzlers and Vitamin Water. The store was crowded, as many sought refuge from the summer sun in the cool cool air conditioning of CVS. As I stood behind nine people in line, debating whether to open my pound of red Twizzlers, a haggard old black man walked through the door to my left.

He was wearing my argyle NY fitted cap.

I walked over to him and said “hey what’s up?” and looked for signs of mustard penetration on the cap. Oh yes, mustard indeed.

“That’s a nice hat you’re wearing. Where’d you get a hat like that?”

At this point, several customers had focused their attention in our direction, some looking mildly concerned.

“I got this hat down at the mall.”

“Did you? Well check it out man. I know the deal. I know what’s up. Now, I’m not gonna make a big scene, and I’m not gonna take the hat back, but I just want you to know, that I know what’s up.”

“I don’t know what you talkin bout.”

“Oh I think you do. I KNOW WHAT’S UP.”

At which point I went back in line and bought my pound of red Twizzlers and Vitamin Water. No one said a fucking word.

And that was the best birthday ever. Mexican food and swimming here we come.

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