Xianyang China, in Pictures

I just spent the last ten days in Xianyang, a small city of five-million people, located right next to Xi’an in middle China. This is what they call a third-tier city. It’s connected by a subway line to Xi’an and has grocery store chains that sell some international cookies. There’s no Starbucks but they have Duncan Donuts. Here’s some of my favorite photos from the trip, all taken by my gf cause I don’t have a smart phone.

This first one comes from a day in the park on the first day of the new year. The park has everything, from decrepit roller coasters now out-of-operation to an outdoor roller-skating rink where boys show off their hot moves in a pretty homoerotic manner. Not much grass in this park.

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Here’s that roller skating action. These dudes can skate like no one’s business, often while holding hands or even skating around in the spider position. Eventually they pulled some girls into the action too, so my guess is that while they look gay, they’re actually just really fashion.  rollerskating

Went to the KFC tonight cause I couldn’t eat another meal of Chinese food. Met a nice guy from Omaha, Nebraska who was there meeting his fiance, whom he met on the Internet. This was his first time in China, and the first time meeting his fiance. The whole fam, all up in KFC. Nice dude. Foreigners in smaller-tier cities tend to be way chiller toward other foreigners than people in places like Shanghai. After KFC we hit the mall.

I don’t know why, but when I see these two ladies, I just think of Waka Flocka Flame saying “I got a whole lotta money, bitches count it for me.”

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In the mall we found a shop with a lot of military gear and Hitler memorabilia, one shelve above a stack of Family Guy sew-on patches that said “Fat Chicks Need Love Too.”

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Just an American infantry bro chilling in the middle of the mall in a third-tier Chinese city, with a sign that says “Freebase” in the background.

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“I am this type of person.” So…the type of person who jumps off buildings?

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Speaking of fashion, this is my new favorite brand. Just wish they sold some quesadillas too.  mexicaneverywhere

For real though, I need all my international sexy girls to stand up.

internationalsexy

And we’re out. Shout out to C for all these photos. See you in Shanghai this weekend.

LOVE BANG SEX TAPE #1

LoveBangSexTapeNumberOneCOVER

WARM WINTER LOVE NEXT TO YOUR HOLOGRAM FIREPLACE.

You’re stuck inside but you’re not alone – it’s time for love. Here’s some timeless baby-making music to light your candles. Songs for winter foreplay under warm covers or just on the floor, mixed by Shanghai’s LOVE BANG crew with help from Pleasure Robot #8888. Look out for the X-rated sequel dropping on Feb 10th 2014.

外面冷死了, 想做爱在全息照相的壁炉旁边 ? 听这个MIX就可以.

IF YOU CANNOT ACCESS SOUNDCLOUD, JUST CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD:

TRACKLIST:

1. “If I Was Your Girlfriend (热狼 Jr. Wolf Edit)” – Prince
2. “I Wanna Be Down” – Brandy
3. “All The Way Down” – Cassie // Mijimisha // Elash Gorilla
4. “One In A Million” – Aaliyah
5. “Inside My Love” – Minnie Riperton
6. “The Buzz” – Med, Blu & Madlib feat. Mayer Hawthorne
7. “I’d Rather Be With You” – Bootsy Collins
8. “As Long As I’ve Got You” – The Charmels
9. “U-Luv” – J Dilla
10. “Sweet Stuff” – Sylvia
11. “Computer Love” – Zapp & Roger
12. “Go All Night (Let Me Roll)” – Kelela

Chillin With Doctor Jing, Part Two

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[This is the saga of Dr. Jing, a guy who works in the convenience store below my apartment. A real motherfuckin’ G. Some nights we drink some Suntory Beer mixed with Chinese rice wine and discuss where to eat lamb, real estate in Shandong, Chinese drinking culture that will allegedly take over three weeks of non-stop discussion to explain, and the ills of modern life. Dr. Jing is not on LinkedIn so don't even ask.]

Part two of the Dr. Jing story starts like they all do, in the convenience store by my house drinking local beer and listening to classical music on laptop speakers. It’s mostly high frequencies anyway right? Dr. Jing knows as much about classical as I do about hip hop, possibly more. I wonder how he would feel about James Blake.

So this 24 year-old kid from Yangzhou comes in looking sad and starts crushing beers and MSG-laced snacks, says he just broke up with his girl a few hours ago on the stairs out front. Says before he met her he saved 100,000rmb from working construction and now it’s all gone.

Dr. Jing asks where this ex-girlfriend works, and kid says the hospital. Dr. Jing says don’t ever date girls who work in hospitals or schools, because these are “comparison centers” – places where women stand around comparing what they have, i.e. jewelry, cars, clothing, etc. to other women.

The doctor and I agreed that breaking up with hospital girl was a 小事情 (small matter), but spending 100,000RMB in six months??!! This was a serious problem. “There’s lots more fish in the sea,” we insisted, but leave it to [outdated] traditional Chinese values to crush the spirits of the young and unmarried, even in the face of impending modernism.

Yangzhou kid is like “What am i gonna do? I’m gonna go back to Yangzhou and my parents and neighbors are gonna be all ‘why haven’t you married yet!?’” and I says “relax, you’re 24,” and that he should meet lots of girls until he finds out what kind of girl he really likes, or just focus on himself, hobbies, and work, until eventually he just runs into the right girl or she finds him. Maybe try some white girls or black girls until wifey rolls around. Dr. Jing agreed and opened another Suntory. The good doctor was quite the ladies man back in the day. He said back in the Mao days, there was a slogan that Google Translate rendered “Any dating that does not lead to marriage is bullying.” Like many, Dr. Jing has mixed feelings about Mao.

To ease the broken-hearted, Dr. Jing started to sing. He sounded like an opera singer, belting “我的太阳!!!” (“my sunshine!!”). I could hear him from the tiny bathroom. That’s the first time I ever used the restroom in a Chinese convenience store.

The Suntory kept flowing, steamed buns, mushroom skewers, and chips came out with minimal presentation and maximum MSG, and the kid from Yangzhou felt a little better after hanging out with the good doctor and yrs truly. Unfortunately we learned that two weeks later he was back with the girl from the hospital, but perhaps there’s still hope.

—-

Get ready for part three, where the good doctor and I enjoy Shanghai’s finest lamb up in Baoshan district, blinded by sunshine and Baijiu.

 

WHAT’S GOOD IN SHANGHAI THIS WEEKEND // 周末有啥好的? May 24 – 26

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lay in the grass and eat ice cream. is blue moon ice cream really American? like peanut butter but even more 美国味儿?

TOP SEVEN PICKS FOR THIS WEEKEND

1. Jimmy Edgar @ The Shelter on Saturday. Read the full interview with this electrofunk sex music wizard from Detroit over on SmartShanghai.

2. DAFF @ 老码头 on Saturday and Sunday. The Ice Cream Truck having a “creative gathering” outside for two days by the Yangpu. Everyone in town will be there. Shops, dank food, dogs, fashion people. So fashion.

3. Getting shit done amongst all these options.

4. Sinan Mansions Beer Festival @ Sinan Mansions on Saturday and Sunday. Dozens of breweries and loads of beer.

5. Fuck Cancer, Fuck City Weekend @ Harley’s on Friday. Loads of bands and beer, people partying to say fuck off to a mediocre magazine. Weird cultural phenomenon.

6. WORK IT OUT @ Lune on Saturday. Do you enjoy gar-age music from the united kingdom? Yes. Go.

7. VOID Presents Neil Landstrumm @ The Shelter on Friday. Techno, dark room, you know the deal. VOID only brings the heat.

Just read a review on dianping that shelter should install more lights haha.

SUMMER TUNE.

Simon & Garfunkel – Cecilia

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哦! You should go see Nova Heart on Saturday at 390 too. Damn good Chinese band.

hitchhiking down a mountain in a walnut van, in hangzhou

Went to Hangzhou a few weeks ago. This small city of six million peeps an hour from Shanghai boasts West Lake, a feichang piaoliang // majestically beautiful place. True, but you can’t swim there. Growing up forty-five minutes away from Lake Michigan at South Haven, I can’t understand this. Like, if I just had to walk along the beach at Lake Michigan (basically like the ocean/差不多) but not go in the water…that’d be fucked up.

But Hangzhou does have mountains, something you won’t find in Shanghai, not counting mountains of 发票s/fapiaos or cash. On a Sunday walking around mountains and blue ponds. Don’t know why this pond is blue.

And met a lovable dog with a crooked face at a 农家乐 restaurant. 农家乐 = nong jia le, country home happiness restaurant/possibly hotel, in the owner’s house.

These restaurants are dank and affordable, like RMB100 – 200 ($14 – 28) for two – three people to eat really well on some home cooked Chinese food. Especially eggs, always try the eggs at country home happiness restaurants. So fresh. Chill owners too.

As daylight was packing up we still had an hour walk back down the mountain. Luckily an old grey sliding-door van crept down the hill by our outoor table, blasting an advertisement for 核桃 (hetao – walnuts). We negotiated a kilo of walnuts and a ride down the mountain for RMB60 (about $10). No seats in the back, just sacks of nuts and digital scales. I shouted out the window “赶快来买世界上最好的核桃,” but no one bought any. The uncle driving the van got out and patted me on the back when we reached the bottom.

Some songs for hitchhiking down a mountain in a walnut truck -

(1984) Horace Ferguson – Sensi addict

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(1996) Redman – Pick It Up

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mmm…food

Just a quick photo-recap on what I ate this past week.

Niu Rou La Mian – About a dollar. The muslim minority groups got the spice game on lock and knead the noodles on the spot.

Ok, I didn’t actually eat any of this. Leave your guesses in the comments section. Just a hint, Chinese don’t waste anything.

It’s the city of contrast and sometimes I gotta delve into the posh dining scene. All this piled on plus wasabi mayonnaise and a orange/lychee/mint smoothie at Gourmet Cafe on Shannxi Bei Lu.

Xiao Long Bao – Shanghai classic. Soup + pork inside.